We're waiting for the sax player.
He'll be here any minute.
Listen, my friends.
Know what happened?
Couldn't find the key of my cell.
Don't laugh, the warden threatened to change the locks.
What would you like to hear now?
Mississippi Dream?
One, two, three.
It's fantastic, really fantastic.
Look at his face, those shoulders, that neck.
Incredible, John.
We finally found him.
Thank you, you're a great audience.
What do you want to hear next?
I've got to talk to you.
Sorry, I don't know "I've Got to Talk to You."
Mr. Wonder, we must speak to you.
It's extremely important.
Okay, you're on your own, guys.
One, two, one, two, three, four.
Well?
Magnificent.
Mr. Wonder, you're our man.
I think there's been some mistake, girls.
Oh, please don't misunderstand me, Mr. Wonder.
We are businessmen.
We've come a long way to New Orleans
to offer you a one million dollar deal.
One million dollars?
Right.
I just drew 10 years because of some guy's
fool-proof get rich quick scheme.
You doubt him?
The bag.
Here's the money.
Yeah, how much?
$50,000.
Bottom line.
We're not authorized to tell you.
You'll hear about it from our chief in New York.
Whether you accept the job or not,
you get to keep the $50,000, Mr. Wonder.
No one will ask for it back.
With my luck it's counterfeit.
Well, what do you say, Mr. Wonder?
I say the whole thing stinks,
but I figure I can live with the smell.
Will you cut out the funny stuff, Eliot?
Swallows can do such things,
but only when they're in good shape.
I'm in great shape, watch this.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me where I can find Mr. Vance,
Mr. Eliot Vance?
Yeah.
Hey!
He took my hat!
Who the hell is that madman?
That's Eliot, Eliot Vance.
Hey Mike, how do you like that?
We can put it in the act.
Set a scarecrow with a hat on his head.
Well, what do you say?
Hey, this guy here wants to talk to you.
Says it's important.
Who is it?
The scarecrow.
May I talk to him?
Hi, Mr. Vance, we need to talk to you.
It's real urgent.
Sure, just come up here.
Mr. Vance, even if it means one million dollars
in your pocket, sir?
What?
There must be a bad connection.
I thought someone said a million bucks.
Whether you accept the offer or not, Mr. Vance,
there is $50,000 waiting for you down here.
Mr. Vance...
That's yours.
Was mine.
Mr. Vance, accept our offer and you can
stop fooling around with that silly toy.
I kind of like that toy.
This is your advance money.
Huh.
And what am I supposed to do with this small change?
The agency boss in New York will tell you.
We're not authorized to say any more.
You guys expect me to buy this?
Just think of it.
There are 20 more other envelopes like this one.
Huh, in that case I'll buy it.
If you'll just wait a second, Mr. Wonder.
Hi, Susan, Mr. Wonder's here.
J.G.'s in conference right now.
It'll just be a minute, Mr. Wonder.
Guys, tell the boss to move it, I can't wait.
Well, Mr. Wonder, he's just winding up a meeting
with very important clients.
He won't be long, sir.
Hey.
Hey what?
What do you mean, "hey what?"
The door.
Oh, the door.
Yeah, the door.
Doors are made for opening, didn't you know that?
Hey, is that the only tune you know, hmm?
Sir, when are you going to take off on those bobsleds?
Hey, what do you guys think?
Was he born that way or did the door make him tilt?
Hey, listen to me, blue-eyes.
Hey, this is not the right place for this...
Mr. Wonder.
You may go in now.
If you want to commit suicide, be here when I come out.
You too, Mr. Vance.
Wait a second, Godzilla's on his own.
Please.
Whoops.
Where's the million bucks?
Yeah.
Extraordinary.
Really fantastic.
Great job, boys.
You can go now, and, thank you.
Make yourselves at home, gentlemen.
It's a real pleasure, having you guys here,
both of you together.
Sit down, gentlemen.
Ah.
Your, uh, twin daughters?
Mrs. Thatcher.
Members of the board.
Oh.
Gentlemen, I must confess,
you are the jewels of this organization.
Finding one is difficult, but two, on such short notice.
Well, let me say it's...
It's, it's...
It's what?
No adjective can describe it.
Too bad, I'd like to know what "it" is.
Yeah, it's a million.
Let's start by saying...
That man of yours offered me a million bucks.
Yeah, same here.
You gentlemen are the result of
an extremely sophisticated study program.
The living proof of the unimaginable.
What about the million?
Yeah.
I'll come directly to the point, Mr. Wonder.
Yeah, the million.
Our organization is the only one in the world
that specializes in doubles.
You mean, ringers?
We research, find, and persuade individuals
who are the spitting images of those
who ask us for our help, to collaborate with us.
Look.
These are some of our spectacular finds.
That's incredible.
You said it.
These are our masterpieces.
Mrs. Thatcher, the Pope.
He needs no introduction.
Oh, by the way, the President's double
is an extremely fine actor.
Brezhnev, Roosevelt.
You know, we sent a substitute Roosevelt
and Churchill to Yalta, but without our knowing it,
the Russians sent a fake Stalin.
That's what created all the chaos at Yalta.
They were all absolute doubles.
Yeah, but what's it all in aid of?
In order to be in two places at the same time.
One step toward the ubiquity of the gods.
And where the hell do you find these doubles?
All over the world.
And you convince with the million.
In your cases, yes.
Wait a minute.
You mean to say that somewhere in the world
he has a look-alike?
Yes, Mr. Vance, you too.
There's only one Eliot Vance, that's for sure.
Naturally, the name's different,
but in everything else, judge for yourself.
Holy Mackerel.
If I didn't know that wasn't me, I'd say it was.
Lots of class, lots of style.
Ah, shut up.
Now, don't tell me that isn't you, Mr. Wonder.
Hah, hey look at this, me in a suit.
Well, what to you say?
That's the million?
To substitute for seven days in every way imaginable.
Who are these guys?
Two of the richest men in the world, cousins.
They're part of a dynasty that represents
an authentic empire of wealth.
Uh, they live in Brazil, Rio.
Oh, Rio.
You know Brazil?
Is the Pope Catholic?
They own tobacco plantations,
hundreds of thousands of cattle,
mines, shipyards, hotels, banks.
Why, they're always in the public eye.
Boy, that's really tough.
So, can I count on you both?
You can.
Good.
When do we start?
Now, we're expected in Rio tomorrow.
Shut up and let the boss do the talking.
Are you crazy?
I never opened my mouth.
Gentlemen.
Oh, my God.
Identical.
I don't believe it.
What do you think, gentlemen?
One has to admit that the physical aspect is perfect.
Quite disconcerting.
One could almost say...
Primitive, don't you think?
Hmm.
First appearances.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you
to Greg Wonder and Eliot Vance.
Hi.
Mr. Wonder, meet Antonio Coimbra
de la Coronilla y Azevedo.
Hi, Tony.
Tony.
Mr. Vance, Bastianio Joao Coimbra
de la Coronilla y Azevedo.
Anyone ever tell you you're really cool, Basty?
Seeing that we still have certain things to clear up
and secrecy being the order of the day,
I've taken the liberty of organizing lunch.
For Pete's sake, let's go.
But Mr. Vance, Mr. Wonder.
You'll called them primitive.
They're animals.
Hmm, indeed.
What's wrong, Tony, you ain't hungry?
I had a snack at my club,.
Want some?
- Why not. - After us.
Great chicken, huh?
Come in.
Well, now that we all know each other, what's the story?
This bit about you being here
when you're supposed to be there smells fishy.
You don't pay two million dollars for nothing.
You have enemies, huh?
You know how it is with business deals.
'Fraid not, this is my first.
Yes, we have enemies, dangerous enemies.
There's no pity in the business world.
Your best friend can become your worst enemy.
The same thing happens shooting pool.
Mm hmm.
I was attacked in Wall Street in broad daylight.
Terrible experience.
Fortunately, the police happened to be passing.
You mean, you didn't fight back?
There were two of them.
Is that all?
I get it.
We're the bait for a week, while you...
Return to Rio on the seventh day
in time to sign a certain contract.
And that certain contract is pissing someone off.
Someone will do anything to stop you signing, huh?
Including murder.
Well, I don't know what to say.
Say terrific.
I accept, and we accept.
Speak for yourself.
If you don't accept, this deal goes right up in flames,
and I ain't gonna lose a million dollars
on your account now, you baby.
May we know the reason behind your concern?
Yes, Senor Bastiano.
The reason behind my concern is that
I don't want to block a bullet with my head.
Naturally, there may be a certain amount of risk,
but one million dollars is one million dollars.
I wouldn't be too picky.
We're not picky.
I accept, and we accept.
Hold it, hold it.
Ah, Christ.
What about this, gentlemen?
One million dollars for each of you for substituting for us,
plus 500,000 for a mask in your position.
You hear that?
500 grand for tearing up the bad guys.
Yeah, I can buy that.
This is very risky, cousin.
I would like to suggest something to you both,
if you don't mind.
Yeah, we're all ears.
Be what you are, free-wheeled.
In other words, don't attempt to imitate us.
Your personalities are so magnificently spontaneous
it would be absurd trying to restrict it.
We're so alike.
No one could dream the truth.
And these seven days will be remembered as,
as a crazy interlude that no one will be able to explain.
Don't you agree?
It's crazy, all right.
You know something, you're a riot.
A riot?
Yeah.
A scream, a gas.
Oh, thank you.
Did you prepare the portfolio for these two gentlemen?
I have it right here.
May I suggest, dear Eliot, you change your hairstyle?
No way, you change yours.
Hey, blue-eyes, we're the only ones aboard.
Why's the plane flying empty?
It's been entirely reserved for you, sir.
I thought you knew.
He's absent-minded.
Absent-minded.
Would you like some juice?
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, let's do some homework.
Angel Duarte, personal secretary.
Scrupulous and diligent.
Sounds like a pain in the neck.
Yeah.
Bernardo the butler.
Nadino and Vinicio, the chofers.
Chofers?
Chofers.
Yeah, chofers.
Zefa, the cook.
Ah, Zefa, lovely.
Oh, cook's helpers, upstairs maids,
downstairs maids, volanca and medical staff,
gardeners, grooms, et cetera, et cetera.
It's an army.
Never thought I'd re-up.
Who is this?
Dona Olympia Chavez de Optamirano.
A Baroness of blah, blah, blah,
Duchess of blah, blah, blah,
close friend of Bastiano Chevalo.
Listen to this.
For years their relationship has been strictly platonic.
Platonic?
What's that, some kind of bailment?
Maybe.
Dona Olympia loves Proust, Bololier, and Whitman.
Huh.
Favorites are Thomas Mann, Beckett, and Joyce.
Chick gets around.
She's gonna hear from me.
The relationship with Bastiano Joao
is the talk of high society.
I know why.
You're the only one not getting it.
I'll change that.
Sure.
Hey, are you married?
Who, me?
Are you crazy?
Not you you.
You Antonio.
Oh, me me Antonio.
I don't know.
Right.
Who's this guy?
Albert Van Eisenberg.
Doctor.
South America's best psychoanalyst.
Antonio's analyst.
What's that?
He's your shrink.
Hmm.
Antonio Coimbra is a bachelor without romantic ties.
His friend and confidant is Dr. Von Eisenberg,
two sessions a week at 15 grand a month.
Hmph, some friend.
You know the rich, they're always lonely.
Well, that's their problem.
But if we didn't look like those two,
I'd still be flying ultralights,
and you'd be picking through garbage cans.
Hmm, looks like you put on some weight.
Couple of pounds or so.
Eh, you better try doing some jogging, it's good for you.
I must might.
There they are.
Hey, the chofers.
What the hell happened to them?
Hey, Nicky and Louder.
You lost something?
No, Senor.
Then straighten up and take this bag.
Yes, Senor.
Hey, real classy.
I'll drive.
Let's see what this piece of junk can do.
But Senor, you don't know how to drive.
Oh really?
I'll give it a try.
In the back, Mighty Mouse.
You gonna stay here?
No, Senor.
Hey, they think they're on a race track?
I thought the Coimbras were supposed
to be scared of going fast.
Yeah, I guess they're even more scared
of getting their butts shot off.
Holy cow, not a bad pad.
Take a week to find a bathroom.
Welcome home, sirs.
Thanks, Angel.
Hi, buddy.
Any news, Bernardo?
No, sir.
No news is good news, what they say.
And they knew what they were talking about.
I'm sure, sir.
Hey, what about things at the stables?
Fine, sir.
Regina's in splendid shape this morning.
We enjoyed a quiet campus.
The special fodder came for her from Ireland by airplane.
Heh, finally.
That's good news.
But I don't see Zefa.
Zefa.
Yes, sir?
What you got cooking for me today?
Well, today nothing.
Nothing, why?
Well, uh...
But it's the first Thursday of the month, Mr. Antonio.
What's that got to do with being hungry?
But sir, tonight Baroness Sofonia Machado Calvoza
is holding her monthly cultural meeting.
You yourself told me to confirm your presence there.
How could I forget?
With a brain like yours, it's easy.
What time is the Sofonia expecting us?
At eight, as usual sir.
Well, for starters, I want to
get rid of some of this crud.
Crud, sir?
Yes.
Sure, he's got to wash up sometime.
The bathroom staff is waiting for you.
Oh?
What do they do?
The program, sir.
What's it for?
The evening.
The Baroness had it delivered this afternoon.
Thank you.
Enjoy yourselves, sirs.
Thanks.
You mean you're going to trust Mighty Mouse to drive?
Nadino.
Yes, Senor.
Burn rubber.
Rubber, Senor?
Yeah, put the pedal on the metal.
I wish I knew how the Coimbras fit
in this sardine can wearing these hats.
Maybe they take them off.
Good thinking.
Did you see my finger?
Wow.
Beautiful, eh?
Ask me what time it is.
What?
Ask me what time it is.
What time is it?
Oh, that's a very beautiful thing.
Talk about happy hour, this is it.
Well, what's in the program?
Sonata for Harp played by.
Baroness Sofonia Machado Calvoza.
Ah, come on.
Followed by the lecture, "How far advanced is"
"research on establishing nobility through blood analysis."
You can't, can you?
Hey, this is better.
A voyage through the cooking of Tibet.
Now you're talking.
The many uses of birdseed.
How do they feed it to us,
in a cage or outside the window?
Well, we've got to play the game
if we want to catch those hood, cousin.
Yeah.
But look, I ate very much better when I was broke, cousin.
Come on, let's start tomorrow.
I want to raise a little hell tonight.
Yeah, I'm with you.
To hell with the zombies, they can take care of themselves.
I remember a good place.
Nadino.
Yes, Senor.
To the port.
To the port, Senor.
This is more like it.
Hey, wake up you lazy slobs,
let's have a little movement, a little life.
Come on!
Welcome, sirs.
I have an excellent table for you right this way.
Here we are.
This is the best table.
It will be ready in a moment.
What would you like, sirs?
What do you got special today?
Rice and beans.
That's fine with me.
Very good, very good.
Very good, two rice and beans.
Make it four.
Okay.
Make it eight.
Eight?
Oh my God.
Ten rice and beans.
Hi there, handsome.
Well, hi there to you too, beautiful.
Would you buy a.
You know who I am?
I'm Bastiano de la Coronilla.
Y Azevedo.
We'll have champaign.
Oh, champaign.
Champaign for everyone in the house, on us.
Don't go away.
Real heart attack material.
Come on.
Oh, you deserve a special kiss tonight.
If I hadn't seen them going in there
with my very own eyes, I tell you,
I wouldn't have believed it.
I've read about guys with split personalities,
but this one's the new record.
You said it.
The Baroness is going to lose her guests of honor, Sidney.
Ah, they're just slumming before the main event.
They're going to get more than they bargained for.
Come on, let's go.
Jesus.
I don't know where to start first.
Yeah, same.
This is living.
Yeah, they ought to give a lecture on this.
You bet.
Good evening, Tango.
The place is full, but I'll find a table for you.
No, I want your best table.
But, but that table is taken.
I want that table.
Yes, right away.
What's going on?
Well, don't look now, but those guys want our table.
No.
The owner says it's just an excuse to bug us.
No.
This gentlemen here is the meanest one of them all.
He likes to scare people.
You know, he'll make mincemeat out of us
unless we give him our table.
You're kidding.
He's the best hit man in town,
and he likes to be called Tango.
He does?
Mm hmm.
The fact, dear cousin, that he calls himself Tango
in the land of the samba tells us
we are dealing with a total idiot.
Right in the beans.
You okay, boss?
After them!
Watch yourself.
Don't get up.
Hmm, Miller time.
Show him how we deal with people.
What are you taking a nap for?
Go get him, go!
Hey.
I'll give you one chance.
Karate kick.
Hey, let go of my foot.
En garde.
Touch.
Here, hold it.
Thank you.
You hurt yourself?
It doesn't hurt.
Hey, still hurts?
Hurts now.
You gonna take him home?
Who, Marvelous Marvin?
Nah.
I was just going to the john!
Hey boss, they ain't here.
Keep looking, you'll find us.
Peekaboo, here we are.
Okay boys, this time they're not getting away.
The cops!
Let's get out of here.
The two chauffeurs raised the alarm.
Though the police arrived in force,
they were not quick enough to apprehend the assailants
who, seeing that things were going against them,
escaped into the night, with their tails between their legs.
When asked to identify his attackers from the police files,
Antonio Coimbra surprised everybody by saying
he was not a stool pigeon, and furthermore,
that he had no intention of ratting on anybody.
You stupid dumb turkey!
Boss, sorry, I...
Yapach amateurs.
I've been in business a long time,
and not once has anyone landed me with a buzz up like this.
They took us by surprise.
Ah, all eight of you.
Hey boss, it was you told us
they were a couple of pansies.
I'm not interested in excuses, dummy.
My client wants results.
Don't worry, it won't happen again.
Next time, believe me, I'll take them both out personally.
Good.
The same tone from Cousin Bastiano,
who losing his legendary self-control...
No.
Shocking.
Went so far as to act out the fight
for the benefit of the photographers.
Shocking, shocking, shocking indeed.
The Cousins Coimbera stated they would
cover the cost of rebuilding the destroyed club
and pay the medical bills of those injured in the fight.
The fight.
In that horrible place.
Do you know what that means?
Hmm, they must have been tricked into that pub.
Pub.
Full of drunks, vagabonds.
Underworld language.
Stool pigeon, ratting.
I shall never be able to show my face
at the yacht club again.
It's certainly annoying.
I described them as magnificently spontaneous,
but they're not spontaneous,
they're downright dangerous.
We could hardly have hoped to have
the Duke of Edinburgh substitute for us.
Of course not.
But these two gentlemen are, I think, going too far.
They're doing their best to stay alive, cousin.
Unfortunately, they're doing it their way.
We've no choice.
We either give up the contract...
Never.
Or face those hoodlums ourselves.
Well, they are already ruining our reputation, cousin.
But, they've just hopefully underestimated the risk.
Room service, sir.
Your camomile tea.
Good morning.
Hey, you got a bad back?
No, sir.
Then straighten up.
Yes, sir.
Good morning, sirs.
How you doing?
Good morning to you.
Oh, sirs, my commiserations
for the terrible accident last night.
Ah, nothing happened.
To us.
Breakfast will be served immediately.
Good, I could eat a horse, very good.
Hi-ya blue-eyes.
Hi.
Breakfast for Senor Bastiano Joao Coimbra
de la Coronilla y Azevedo,
and breakfast for Senor Antonio Coimbra
de la Coronilla y Azevedo.
Bring in the grub.
Nice.
Whose idea is this, huh?
Not mine, Senor.
What is it, Mr. Antonio?
Is this a joke?
Why, it's your diet.
Decided for you by your dietician.
I am my dietician.
I decide on my diet, right?
As you way, sir.
Give it to the canaries.
Yes, sir.
What are you, tongue-tied?
May I tell you the program, sir?
If it's something like last night, forget it.
The program of the day, sir.
I still don't want any.
- Yes, yes. - Go ahead, tell us.
Thank you.
At 11 o'clock you are to visit the plantation.
The bananas are to be harvested.
I could do with a couple of bananas at 11 o'clock.
Is that all?
At four o'clock, sir, your appointment
with Dr. Von Eisenberg.
It's your shrink.
Oh, yeah.
And you sir, at five you have an appointment
with Dona Olympia Chavez at the lake,
the Lake of the Nimbus.
Dona Olympia.
The broad.
Oh, yeah.
I've got a couple of things to say to her.
Shall I have the carriage ready?
Why not?
You're terrific, Angel.
Getting a little thick around the waist.
Uh, may I be dismissed?
Sure, you can split.
All of you.
Goodbye.
Thank you, sir.
You know, it ain't tough being rich.
You can say that again.
Now they're two completely different people
since they came back from the United States.
Antonio learned how to play the saxophone.
Incredible.
And Bastiano asked me to buy him a windsurf.
A what?
One of those things you fly across the waves
while holding onto the sail.
Says he doesn't want to lose his touch.
Bastiano?
Bastiano.
Incredible.
Where did the agency guys pick you up, under a bridge?
Ah, I was at Dirty Charlie's Jazz Club in New Orleans.
What were you doing in a jazz club?
They let me out of the city jail once in a while
to play the saxophone.
Good behavior, you know.
And before that?
I was just bumming around,
so I came to Brazil the first time.
Doing what?
Trying to find some diamonds in some river.
You don't look like you found any.
Look at me, I look pretty good right now.
And what do you do?
Oh, all kinds of jobs.
But the thing I'm best at is falling.
Yeah, falling on your face.
I'm a stuntman.
Oh.
When they need a guy to fall off a galloping horse
or to drive a burning car off a cliff, who do they call?
Who do they call?
Eliot Vance, the best.
Real high risk stuff, huh?
Not if you know what you're doing.
And that's you, huh?
You bet.
You don't look like it.
Oh no?
Stop here.
Got it?
When I come galloping towards you,
you take a shot at me, bang, and see what happens.
Okay.
Okay?
Hah, hah!
Boom!
One down, one to go.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Thank you, thank you.
That fall was worth 500 bucks.
You ever cracked your head?
Never, I told you, I'm the best.
And speaking about heads,
you'd better watch out for the shrink.
What's the shrink got to do with this?
I know their game.
They make you spill out your guts.
In the mean time, they dig and dig and dig.
Yeah, dig where?
Into your mind, your past, our past.
You know, doubles.
The two million bucks.
Well?
Well, since you're soft in the head,
I wouldn't want you to blow the show.
Look who's talking.
Get in.
Boss.
Yeah.
It's half finished.
I shot Bastiano.
Terrific.
I drew a bead, boss, and he dropped like a ripe fig.
Glad you got wise, Tango.
Nothing to it, boss.
Tomorrow I'll take out number two.
Take a look.
Anyone we know?
Huh?
I shot him, boom, boom, bullseye.
He dropped to the ground like a ripe fig, boss.
Turkey.
Senor Antonio Coimbra de la Coronilla.
Thank you, my dear.
My dear Antonio.
Good to see you.
I'm glad to see your muscle tone
has improved considerably.
Well, I've been getting a little exercise.
Have you rested well these last few days?
Can't complain, can't complain.
Do sit down, Antonio.
Thank you.
A challenge.
Have you had any more of those terrible nightmares?
Well, not exactly, but...
But?
I dream that I'm sifting sand in the Rio Prato.
You know, sifting, and sifting.
Typical.
A recurring symptom of your subconscious.
That's what it is, huh?
Of course.
It's so typical.
Something to do with your childhood,
playing on the beach with bucket and spade.
And, uh, and sifting.
Exactly.
And sifting.
You see the way things are coming together.
Yeah, right, coming to the surface.
Let's go back to your childhood, Antonio.
From primordial impulses to these repressed feelings,
we'll dig.
I'll dig them out for you.
It's so comforting after all this time.
I never found someone to do the digging for me.
Wouldn't you know it, she's late.
Oh, my pure thoughts.
Oh joyful soul of mine.
My Cupid is here.
Is that you, Olympia, woman of...
Love.
Oh.
Were your chaste lips about to make
a declaration of love, my Cupid?
Uh, yeah, that's what my chaste lips were about to do.
All my life.
You are here to bring joy to my eyes, and my whole being.
Shall I go on?
Oh, my platonic friend,
was it not said your chaste lips would never brush...
Oh, well, it was said, but the fact is,
Cupid lost his head.
Isn't this the day of passion?
Better late than never.
Then today is the day.
No, it's a great day.
Yeah, Joyce, Proust, Whitman, all rolled into one.
They are just words, beautiful words.
But life is also blood, flesh, muscles.
Uh huh, I'll say.
Hey.
My love, my Cupid.
And then...
Yes, yes, yes, typical.
It's all coming together, it's all falling into place.
This new element of the saxophone fits in perfectly.
Fits in, huh?
Absolutely.
But there's something that doesn't want to emerge.
What do we want to do about it?
Hypnosis.
Watch the pen, Antonio.
Concentrate.
Follow the pen.
Concentrate.
More.
More, more, more.
You are very relaxed.
You want to sleep.
Close your eyes, Antonio.
You are asleep.
You're in a very deep sleep, because you are relaxed.
Relaxed, tranquil, and relaxed.
Sleep, sleep.
You can hear my voice, Antonio.
I'm going to ask you questions,
and you're going to answer them,
because you want to answer.
You wish to tell me everything, don't you.
Yeah.
You are about to sign a contract, make a deal.
Isn't that true?
I want to know everything about that contract.
I want to know everything you do
every day until you sign it.
You will tell me everything.
What the hell do you care?
What did you say?
Repeat that, Antonio.
What the hell do you care?
You're going to tell me everything.
Now, on the couch.
You start spilling the beans.
What do you care about what I do, and about that contract?
Let's hear it!
It's part of the normal therapy!
It's not your normal therapy, it's my therapy.
Now...
There's been a terrible misunderstanding!
That's not the only thing that's terrible.
I'm going to bust your nose, get it?
Unless you talk.
You're spying for somebody.
Tell me who.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you!
Leave me alone!
"Native moments, when you came upon my soul,"
"ah, we are here now."
"Give me new libidinous joy only."
"Give me the drench of my passions,"
"give me life, coarse and rank."
Do you remember, my love?
Those are the lines of your favorite poet.
Uh, you mean Yoko Ono wrote that?
Oh, you're being so deliciously facetious.
Now you know very well that those
are the words of the divine Whitman.
Now tell me.
Was it he who gave you your passion today?
Let's forget about the past.
From now on, you're looking at the new Bastiano.
Oh, we'll have to make up for lost time,
won't we, my love?
Are you kidding?
Stop right there.
I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
My badge.
Who do you think you're kidding?
You're crooks.
Who are you working for?
You'll find out.
Get in the car.
Okay.
Not your car, fathead, our car.
Get in!
Hey!
Uh!
Hey, hey, where...
Why you...
Got you!
Phony cop.
Hey, bastard!
Come on.
God damn it, he stole the keys.
Put it in neutral, we'll roll it down hill.
Boys.
Hey, stop!
Come on.
Start it up.
I can't, he stole this key, too.
Pull the plug, we've got to talk.
Okay, time for a swim, everybody in the pool!
Hey, cousin, you missed the party.
Phony cops tried to do me in.
Do you in?
There's a spy here.
Let's go someplace where we can talk.
Then what happened?
I grabbed him, got him stretch out on his couch,
and squeezed until the words started running.
Then what?
Well, they convinced him to do a little digging on me.
They were going to do something
on his brain with a pneumatic drill.
So what'd you say?
I told him I use a pneumatic drill to clean my fingers.
Oh, very subtle.
How about then?
I found out that he's meeting his contact
at 12 o'clock noon tomorrow.
Where?
Where's the shrink now?
He snuck away.
Hey, look.
Take it easy, pal.
Just tell us the address of this information.
You know where the manager is?
Hey, have you seen the manager?
You know where the manager is?
Thanks.
Well?
We'll find the manager is his office,
down that passageway, second door after the shower.
Are you sure you read the message right?
Absolutely, just read between the lines.
What are you doing?
I was trying to learn how to read.
Get yourself a good book, now come on.
Hey mister.
Mister.
Hey.
Rise and shine, the postman's knocking.
Look who's here.
Nice job, I'll call you later.
Please, gentlemen, sit down.
Uh, no thanks, we just stopped by to give you this.
Be seeing ya.
All right, why don't we put our cards on the table.
But you don't have a hand to play.
And even if you had a deck full of aces,
the odds are still against you.
He's got a point.
A blunt one.
Let me talk to the boss, will ya?
Yeah, what is it?
The mail's arrived, and guess what?
A couple of morons brought it over.
If this is some kind of balls-up,
Tango, I'll have you...
No, it's no balls-up, boss.
The Coimbras are sitting right here in front of me.
Just as sure as my name's Tango.
Just bring them to the estate.
Bring them out for the weekend.
Right, boss.
Gentlemen, the boss has invited you
to his place for the weekend.
Oh, uh, are you free?
When, the weekend?
Yeah.
We accept.
If they come along, too.
Oh, that goes without saying.
Hey, don't take it so bad.
After all, the worst is right around the corner.
Hey, close the window.
It's stuffy in here, I can't breath.
Ah, let the guy take a breather.
It's going to be one of his last.
Son of a bitch, let's go.
They're not after us, keep going.
Pull in there, Sidney, let them pass.
Good morning, officers.
Shut up!
Hey, you...
But officer...
I told you to shut up.
You're in a lot of trouble, buddy.
Maybe you got me wrong, officer.
I didn't get you wrong.
Come on out.
Jerk.
I'm Bastiano Coimbra de la Coronilla.
Y Azevedo.
Oh, my cousin Antonio.
Tony, come and say hello to the nice police officer.
Hello, nice police officer.
Move, mutton head.
The Coimbra Cousins.
But of course, the Coimbra Cousins.
Bit of misunderstanding.
I'm really sorry about this officer.
I'm sure it was my fault.
Oh, no no no, I'm the one who's sorry.
But you understand...
Of course.
I blame the times we live in.
Yeah.
And what a coincidence.
We were on our way to the Police Academy.
Really?
Yeah.
We wanted to give 5,000 tickets for Sunday's.
5,000 tickets.
5,000?
You know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Oh, those boys deserve it.
They work hard, you know.
Yes, I know what you mean.
If you want, I can escort you to the school.
Thanks, we'd like that.
Yes.
Uh, would it be asking too much if we came in your car?
Oh but, uh, sure, sure, why not?
It's the dream of my life,
to travel in a police car innocent.
We're escorting these two gentlemen to the Police Academy.
You ride with them.
This way gentlemen, please.
Thank you.
Follow us, James.
Yes?
Next time you hear a siren, mister,
pull over to the side and stop, okay?
Of course, officer.
Congratulations, Colonel, very efficient.
Really.
Thank you again, gentlemen, in the name of all our cadets.
We appreciate what you're doing.
Uh, I'd like to ask a favor, Colonel.
Sure, name it.
If our bodyguards could take a look
at your training measures, it would help them a lot.
Yes.
Certainly, it would be a pleasure.
I'm counting on you guys to pick up
some new tricks while you're here.
Yeah, especially Samba.
You know what happened?
His car was stolen, right under his nose.
A limo, just like this one.
Show these gentlemen around.
Yes, sir.
This way, gentlemen, please.
Well now, over there we have the gym and the.
And over there we have the shooting range.
Our cadets graduate from the academy...
Well, Colonel, it's been a pleasure.
I can never thank you enough, gentlemen.
Oh no, it's us that thank you.
Goodbye, sir.
Come on, men, shake your asses.
Let's move it.
3-9-4-4-1-3.
Is that your lottery ticket?
No, it's our man's phone number.
Oh.
Tango dialed it right under my nose.
Huh, I'm going to get my Gucci wetsuit wet
swimming out there.
Trust the bastard to live on an island.
You can't hear someone yelling for help from an island.
Senors, will you be out a long time?
We'll be back in an hour.
Hello there, octopus.
Who are you calling an octopus?
Who else?
Your hands are so quick, they're like tentacles.
Sure, sure.
Go fix some drinks, jellyfish.
One false move and you'll be fish bait.
What's going on?
What do you want?
Who are you?
Just the name of your client.
What client?
I don't know what you're, what you're talking about.
The prick who wanted you to kill
the Coimbra Cousins, fish bait.
Give us his name, or you get buried at sea.
I don't know who the guy is.
I've never even seen his face, I swear.
I only met him once.
He was wearing a long black coat with the collar pulled up,
a hat pulled down over his eyes, and...
Look buddy, somebody like that, try again.
He paid me a fee.
How much?
$20,000.
Ah, not enough.
How do you contact him?
I don't.
He's always the one who called me.
Has this fancy voice, a real weirdo.
Not the kind of guy you bring home to mother.
I swear I'm telling the truth, I swear it!
Hey, if this guy's on the level,
there goes the 500 bonus.
I don't think so.
You're coming with us, pal.
What are you going to do with me?
Start paddling.
Harder, harder!
Unique.
Really unique.
Oh, listen to this stanza, cousin.
Oh, with pleasure.
Winds that blow south or winds that blow north,
day come white or night come black,
home, o'er rivers and mountains from home,
singing of time, minding no time,
while we two keep together.
Touching.
Come in.
Bellboy.
Yes, come in.
The newspaper from Rio, sir.
Thank you.
What's the news?
Let's see.
Oh, no, no!
Coimbra Cousins hobnob with underworld.
Outrageous.
The cousins, Antonio and Bastiano Coimbra
ripped it up until the early hours in the morning
in the company of the most notorious gang boss in Rio!
The two magnates product to photographers
attracted to the spot by an anonymous phone call.
Oh.
The club, Wine, Women, and Song,
had just reopened its doors
after the first Coimbra scandal had closed it.
Another scandal.
The family name is completely dishonored,
immortalized in the company of gangsters.
Us, the Coimbras de la Coronilla.
Y Azevedo.
Right, y Azevedo.
We wanted two lambs to feed to the tigers.
Instead, we sent two tigers.
Incredible, really incredible.
It's more than that, cousin.
No firm will ever do business with us again.
How could we have made such a mistake, cousin?
I'm afraid we must return to Rio at once.
Rio?
Now?
We've no choice.
As soon as we get there, we'll pay those
two savages, present them at a press conference,
and explain everything.
Everything?
Yes, everything.
The threats, the attempts on our lives,
the idea of using doubles and...
We'll be in the heat of the hurricane, but then,
they'll go back to being them
and we'll go back to being us.
The Cousins Coimbra de la Coronilla.
Y Azevedo.
Yes.
Stop right there, Commander.
Commander Van der Bosh, and his Dogs of War.
We'll fight anyone for money.
The bag, huh?
And the rest?
When you've completed the mission.
Let's just say tomorrow's too late.
Anything else?
Yes, I want them alive.
They have a lot of things to tell me.
With your permission.
Climb aboard.
Can't make saw them leave.
I didn't hear anything this morning.
But you?
They were so drunk when we drove them home,
I was sure that they'd stay in back all day.
Then all of a sudden we get a call to get to the airport.
There they are.
Good morning, Senors.
Recovered from your hangovers, Senors?
What is that?
Your car, Senors.
With all the modifications you ordered.
Lowered suspension, the twin turbo-chargers,
extra strong overhead valve.
12,000 rev, from zero to 100 in eight seconds.
It's a real bomb, Senor.
I want it painted immediately.
Its original color.
Are you resigning?
No, Senor.
Then take your place.
All right, Senor.
The door.
Yes, sir.
Home, Senors?
No, the farm at San Jose.
Then take the car back to the mansion.
Yes, Senors.
Just black coffee for me, lots of it.
Black for me, too.
I'll take a couple of sausages on the side.
Good morning, sirs.
Anything new?
Only one call, for Mr. Bastiano.
Dona Olympia Chavez.
She informs you that the theme of the next
literary meeting will be love or death,
the dilemma of the day.
Or I'll have it toasted, and rang twice.
Excuse me, sir.
Not so loud.
There's a gentleman on the phone who insists on being you.
Hello?
Hmm.
How are you, Tony?
Really?
You say you can't wait to get home?
Yeah.
Yeah, right in front of me.
Hi from Eliot Vance.
Terrific guy.
How are things in the Big Apple?
What do you mean, we're getting bad press?
We'll buy out the papers.
What was that, you want to buy us out?
Why not, it's your funeral.
I got it, I got it, okay.
Be seeing you.
Bye bye.
Well?
Taking a ride.
Where?
The farm in San Jose.
The San Jose farm, sir?
But it's out of season.
And the house hasn't been made ready.
Would you shut up please, buddy?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, the car's here.
Yeah, let's go.
I don't believe it.
Who told you to repaint the car?
You, Senor.
At, at the airport.
Are you crazy?
We just woke up now.
Drive us to San Jose.
You, to San Jose, Senor?
Yes.
But, I, uh, we...
Didn't we just take you there?
Have you been drinking?
No, I?
No, Senor.
Get in the back, he'll drive.
Villa Coimbra.
No, I'm sorry, they've just left.
To the farm in San Jose.
You're welcome.
Oh, yeah?
We should have let ourselves get killed,
just to keep you looking good at the club?
We didn't mean that, Mr. Vance.
But was in necessary for you to be photographed
with a notorious gangster and a bevy of bar girls?
Ah, come on, it's all part and parcel of what you want.
The problem is you guys.
Mr. Vance and I have done a job that's absolutely great.
You know why?
First, the boss is in the shit.
Second, the right-hand man, what's his name?
Tango.
Yeah, yeah, Tango, he's in the shit, too.
Oh is he ever.
He's covered with shit.
You got that?
The smell is quite disgusting,
but I've got it, Mr. Wonder.
Good.
There's no point in continuing.
Obviously, we disagree on everything.
If the show is over, give us our money,
and lower the curtain.
Yeah.
Speak louder.
It's for you, Bastiano.
Me?
Yeah, for you.
Bastiano Coimbra speaking.
Who are you?
What do you want?
I beg your pardon?
Oh.
Hello, hello?
He hung up.
Who was it?
The man who wants us dead.
Extinguish your dynasty, that's what he said.
He sounded very serious.
Oh my God.
Hey, listen, who knows we're here?
The chauffeurs, the chauffeurs, of course.
No, they wouldn't rat on anyone.
Your secretary, that Angel,
he tried to starve me to death.
He's too dumb.
He wouldn't know where to begin.
The butler.
The butler's always guilty.
Oh, come on, Bernardo?
He watched us grow up.
Now maybe he wants to watch you die.
I've got it.
I'll make a call in.
Hi Angel.
Bastiano Coimbra speaking.
Did anyone call me since I left?
Oh.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Did it work?
Later.
Let's see your John Hancock.
John Hancock?
Sign the checks.
Can we raise the, you know, curtain again.
Give us our money first.
A chopper?
Yeah, a big chopper.
Are those soldiers?
Well, it's not the cavalry.
Who are they?
Mercenaries.
I know those bastards.
Oh, Mr. Wonder, since you know them,
could you please tell them to go?
Forget it.
They're coming to cut us into little pieces.
What will we do?
Start praying.
Close the windows.
Hey, Coimbras.
We've got you trapped like rats.
Who are you?
Commander Van der Bosh, and his Dogs of War.
What do you want?
We want the two Coimbras.
So get them on out here, or you're going to
get buried under the ruins of that house.
Give us time to think it over.
You got two minutes, that's all, then we move in.
I'm starting the count now.
Listen, if we all go out together,
they'll blast all four of us.
If I go out with him, they'll blast us,
and you'll save two million bucks.
And we're not that dumb.
Now if you two go out, they'll kill you,
and you'll take the two million with you.
But, if you and little cousin go out,
they'll kill the two of you, which means
big cousin and me will be safe and rich.
Oh, I don't like that.
But if big cousin and me go out, they'll kill us.
Then the two of you will have a ball.
That's better.
No, that's worse.
Wait, this is it.
Little cousin and big cousin first sign our checks,
and then they go out.
On the button, good thinking.
But that way we lose our money, and our lives.
What's the big deal?
You can't take it with you anyway.
All right, Coimbras, your time's up.
Hey, those are blanks.
Yeah, they want to take us alive.
Go away, they'll shoot you.
Hold your fire, hold it!
Shoot, Captain Brioche.
I'm the Coimbra de la Coronilla!
Y Azevedo.
Oh, y Azevedo as well!
Shoot, you clowns.
I'm not scared of you, or your boy scouts.
Aw, shut up.
What, what about us?
What do we do?
You got pants like these?
You mean, linen trousers?
Yes, I believe so.
Okay, then put them on fast.
And take the rings, jackets, and ties off.
Why?
To save your asses, that's why.
I understand.
You don't want them to know there are four of us in here.
You got it.
Now let's go, come on.
I always said my double was smarter than yours.
This is your last opportunity, Coimbras.
You come out, or I'll unleash my War Dogs.
Is this all right?
Yeah, you look all right.
Your hair.
What?
Oh yes, of course.
You two guys ever done any fist fighting?
Mr. Wonder, I went to school in Switzerland.
I never fought in my life.
Indeed, the only time I ever raised my voice
was when I was five years old,
it was over some strawberries.
Apocalypse, scout ahead.
Drop your weapons.
I want them alive.
Move it!
Cobra, Mamba, Rattler, cover that door.
You two, check up those stairs.
You and you, over there.
The rest of you, fan out.
Hey, my shoe!
Here's your shoe.
Thanks.
No, I'm Antonio Coimbra de la Coronilla y Avezedo.
Hey, you looking for a job in the circus?
Help!
That'll teach ya to fight...
In there.
Save me.
Hey, get him.
Very good.
Hey.
Looking for someone?
Your turn.
One, two, three.
Shut up.
You, too.
It's mine.
Okay, you can have it.
This is the mark.
See, it's the one right here.
Move out of sight.
Surprise, surprise.
What's this?
Put your foot in your mouth.
Right hook.
Now the left.
All right.
Come here, Bastiano.
Slug him.
Come on.
Don't be afraid.
Ah, make a dent.
See, come here.
Very good.
Close the door.
Oh, sorry.
Such violence.
This way.
No, this way.
Double whammy.
All right, captain, got a job for you.
Hello, hello, this is Bosh
calling control, this is Bosh calling control.
I read you, commander.
I got them both, they're right here with me.
Alive, I hope.
Yes, very much alive.
You'll find them in the house,
both tied up nice and tight.
You can leave, commander.
You've completed your mission.
This is Bosh, out.
Hello, Angel?
Send a car to pick us up at San Jose.
Yeah.
Right, thank you.
Hey.
Okay, he's coming.
What should we do?
Get out of sight.
Hi.
That's me.
Awful.
I like you better without the mustache.
I have nothing against you, believe me, my love.
It's that monster there.
Yes, that monster.
That starving, voracious piranha.
It was you!
You ruined my father, you completely destroyed him.
You forced him to run away!
I hate you, you vampire...
Calm down, just calm down.
Think of, think of Whitman.
Oh yes, Whitman.
No, it's your cousin, he's a horrible monster.
He's a filthy bloodsucker without soul, without...
That's enough.
You've gone too far.
Whoops.
Does she faint often?
Oh, we're sensitive.
Come on, give me a hand, you filthy bloodsucker.
You know what, she's right.
You're rotten.
Oh, uh, sorry.
You know what, she's right.
You're rotten, cousin.
No, it's not true.
I was robbed.
Two years ago in a financial operation with other partners.
The whole thing was conceived by this hysteric's father,
and one beautiful day he emptied his safe and disappeared.
With a dancer.
He's living in Paris, and in high style.
Heh, the old man is no fool.
He convinced his daughter all was my fault,
and look at the consequences.
Well, if that's the case, all you have to do is tell her.
Bastiano can take care of it.
I'm sure she'll listen to him.
Just, uh, just try to be, uh,
a little warmer with her.
You think he has a point?
Well, a blunt one.
Okay, now, checks.
Beg your pardon?
Sign the checks.
Oh.
Oh, no no, it's just our car picking us up.
Go ahead.
Right.
What is it, 1,000?
Million.
And a half.
Each.
Let's go blow this money before
we find ourselves stinking rich like them.
Right on time, Mighty Mouse.
Thanks, Venicio.
You know, Tony, we should take up boxing as a sport.
Yes, and I should stop my diet immediately.
Home, Senor?
No, take us to the airport,
then come back here, pick us up, and drive us home.